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Melancholy Thoughts - Micole Khemarrica
khromat
khromat
Melancholy Thoughts
I lay here on the loveseat, my left foot in its walking cast and propped up on a pillow, as I've been for the past two weeks.  Simple things like grabbing a drink are difficult to do with crutches, so I'm pretty much stuck.  The day was oppressively hot and humid, which never makes me feel good and often sets off my asthma.  I didn't sleep well last night because of my asthma.  So I suppose it's reasonable that I'm in a melancholy mood.

Then again, the atmosphere in the house has been pretty heavy,  Coug'r is restless, tired of fighting an old house, tired of supporting four people's worth of bills, tired of his job of 20 years.  The wolf and coyote are going through a divorce and yet continue to live here, which adds a new level of stress in the place over the usual interpersonal relationship type stress.  While the wolf has decided to expend his energy in a surge of building, (finishing the wall that was removed by the previous owner  in the upstairs studio -- restoring it to two rooms, in which he claims one to be his room) the coyote has turned her focus towards theatre and Hugh Jackman.  Both activities are well and good, but at the same time there's something unhealthy feeling in the way both are throwing themselves into their respective interests, almost to the exclusion of everything else.

I've only known the coyote since I moved into the Caer in '96.  On a few lucid-insightful moments, she admitted that she does not deal well with girls.  Me, I don't mind girls, I just don't always understand them.  That, and my ADHD really gets in the way of maintaining social contact or expectations, which is why I normally hang out with guys (who don't have the same social priority system).  So our relationship has been rocky from the start... on good days, wer're friends and housemates, on bad days I'm the stubborn/inept/retarded child and she's the bitchy Joan Crawford mom. I don't need or want to deal with that kind of relationship; I've got enough emotional baggage from my biological mother.  Best thing to do for me when I'm obviously not in emotional control is to be a stone, not be a parent yelling orders.  So, I try to avoid any confrontational situations with her to derail that destructive cycle.  But, it's becomming harder to avoid confrontations as her behavior has become more erratic -- especially now that they are officially getting a divorce.

Of course, avoiding has its own set of costs.  Like the mistaken belief that I want nothing to do with her, a lack of communication can breed a fantastical number of misplaced notions.  But how can I communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate with me?  I can talk, but the words don't get through.  And when she talks, with rare exception I hear the sharp tones of someone unpleased to deal with me.  So why should I try? 

It's that khromat part of me trying to have that link among minds, even if the human part of me knows I can't do that.  Trapped in the bone skull prison, I still try to reach out.  It's just part of my nature, that need to feel an understanding between us.

On the other side of this is the wolf, who would rather box away any feelings left, who appears determined to out-stubborn the coyote in regards to petty little things that have no meaning in the big picture.  I've known him a good deal longer than I've known the coyote -- we lived together briefly while I was out in San Jose rebuilding my life after Ogre.  He's dealt with me at my worst, before I got the needed diagnosis and help for my ADHD.  I've trusted him with my life.  That doesn't mean he's any less at fault for the relationship failure.  Relationships are a two-way street, and that includes the death of one.  And while I can sympathize about his similar communication issues I have with the coyote, that doesn't excuse his responsibility in this debacle.  Many ideas were discussed in the beginning of this house-relationship, and while logistics have always been difficult, he managed to avoid doing most of those projects...  during that brief highpoint when all four people had stable, reliable, good-paying jobs, nothing was done.  Financial responsibilities aside, most of the money we earned went into fun stuff rather than improving the house.  Perhaps it was another failed communication, but the coyote believed that the wolf was planning to use his carpentry and other skills actively on the house and when it didn't happen, she stewed.  I'm sure she's not happy at all to see that he's been busy applying these skills upstairs now... too little, too late.

Then there's my coug'r.  My stoic, reliable, put-upon cougar.  He's the string that connects all the people in this house... He's known the coyote longer than anyone and helped the wolf get together with her.  He's known the wolf for over a decade, and twice that for me.  He's subtle in his moods at times, disciplined to keep an even keel in rough waters.  As much as he feels he's emotionally unstable, he is a rock compared to the rest of us.... partially because he's not open about expressing nagging doubts or frustration.  If he's at his breaking point, he just walks away.  I have no fear that he will walk away from me, but the growing tensions in the house may cause him to hide away in his privacy.  He's suffered financially from his previous wife, suffered handling the house's affairs, and feels that he's getting nothing out of it.  I don't want him to suffer, but I'm in no position to do more than emotional support.

And thus my thoughts turn back to myself, trapped in a limbo of uncertainty -- Unemployed, not in school, can't even plan for school until my foot is completely healed, my own financial delimnas of car, school, and health.  I'm only glad that my medications keep me focused enough to reduce my grey and black moods, or I certainly would be in one right now.  I don't like those mood-pits, difficult to break the downward spiral early, painful to let  run its course.  And the last thing this house needs is an outburst of emotional chaos, which I would surely be under all this pressure.  Still, I chafe at my enforced idleness, wanting to jump up and get my portion of the house dealt with and relieve some of the tensions building  *Sigh*

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
Current Music: The Sound of Silence...

7 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
twentythoughts From: twentythoughts Date: August 2nd, 2004 04:11 am (UTC) (Link)
I suck at these kinds of relationships, myself, but from what I've heard from others, I think distracting oneself from certain problems, such as divorce, is better than some of the alternatives. Everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff like that.

As for yourself, well... Find something to distract yourself with, too. You mentioned some projects you wanted to get through while your foot healed. You can't actively plan for school, but you can look into the options online. *hugs* You'll be out of this eventually. S'just a matter of finding stuff you -can- do while you're healing.
kagur From: kagur Date: August 2nd, 2004 06:27 am (UTC) (Link)
I can't say I can offer any insights, as I am new to relationships myself. All I can offer is...::snugs the khromat::
doodlesthegreat From: doodlesthegreat Date: August 2nd, 2004 08:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you for sharing this. There's nothing I can say or do that could help, so I'll just offer a hug.
somebunny From: somebunny Date: August 2nd, 2004 01:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love you sweetie, I wish there was something I could do to cheer you a bit. *HUG*
zrath From: zrath Date: August 2nd, 2004 03:10 pm (UTC) (Link)


Argh.

All I can do is offer a hug.
I know it's not much.
It's the best I can do.



batratblue From: batratblue Date: August 2nd, 2004 03:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
It seems as if you've got a pretty good handle on the situation...Or at least, as best you can determine from your perceptions, and have spent more time analyzing it than most people would.

Do not suggest that emotional support is insignificant. It may, as you suggest, be all that you can do at this time, but if that is 'all' that you can do, you may be one of the least helpless people in the house as far as being able to positively affect others.

I hope matters calm and resolve peacefully for all of you. It's been a long time since I've been in communication with any, but it'd be wrong to think I didn't care about all.
darklilith69 From: darklilith69 Date: August 3rd, 2004 07:08 pm (UTC) (Link)

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

First of all, a nice, soft, warm hug from this zebra to the only and most beautiful Khromat I know. :)

Now, emotional support is worth a LOT more than you might think. This from someone who went through SIX years of what my household calls my Dark Time. Bad bad bad. A part of me you would not have recognized except that you saw a sample of it once while you were here. Weird. Hormonal. And defintely out of balance.

So I'm a bit in the know of things and also of interpersonal household relationships, as you know. :) If you need to release your spleen, I'd be more than happy to listen, though I know there are very likely those much closer to you. But with our past and the things you and I "know" of one another, I'm here, sweets.

And of course, being asthmatic never helps. You have no airconditioning? You should at the *very* least have a fan blowing on you or just past you. It *does* help. That kind of muggy just draws you down in SO many ways.

I wish I could do something for you and Coug'r. I will light one of my special candles for you. ;)

Love you.

Lilith (Tashta)
7 comments or Leave a comment