Micole Khemarrica (khromat) wrote,
Micole Khemarrica

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Melancholy Thoughts

I lay here on the loveseat, my left foot in its walking cast and propped up on a pillow, as I've been for the past two weeks.  Simple things like grabbing a drink are difficult to do with crutches, so I'm pretty much stuck.  The day was oppressively hot and humid, which never makes me feel good and often sets off my asthma.  I didn't sleep well last night because of my asthma.  So I suppose it's reasonable that I'm in a melancholy mood.

Then again, the atmosphere in the house has been pretty heavy,  Coug'r is restless, tired of fighting an old house, tired of supporting four people's worth of bills, tired of his job of 20 years.  The wolf and coyote are going through a divorce and yet continue to live here, which adds a new level of stress in the place over the usual interpersonal relationship type stress.  While the wolf has decided to expend his energy in a surge of building, (finishing the wall that was removed by the previous owner  in the upstairs studio -- restoring it to two rooms, in which he claims one to be his room) the coyote has turned her focus towards theatre and Hugh Jackman.  Both activities are well and good, but at the same time there's something unhealthy feeling in the way both are throwing themselves into their respective interests, almost to the exclusion of everything else.

I've only known the coyote since I moved into the Caer in '96.  On a few lucid-insightful moments, she admitted that she does not deal well with girls.  Me, I don't mind girls, I just don't always understand them.  That, and my ADHD really gets in the way of maintaining social contact or expectations, which is why I normally hang out with guys (who don't have the same social priority system).  So our relationship has been rocky from the start... on good days, wer're friends and housemates, on bad days I'm the stubborn/inept/retarded child and she's the bitchy Joan Crawford mom. I don't need or want to deal with that kind of relationship; I've got enough emotional baggage from my biological mother.  Best thing to do for me when I'm obviously not in emotional control is to be a stone, not be a parent yelling orders.  So, I try to avoid any confrontational situations with her to derail that destructive cycle.  But, it's becomming harder to avoid confrontations as her behavior has become more erratic -- especially now that they are officially getting a divorce.

Of course, avoiding has its own set of costs.  Like the mistaken belief that I want nothing to do with her, a lack of communication can breed a fantastical number of misplaced notions.  But how can I communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate with me?  I can talk, but the words don't get through.  And when she talks, with rare exception I hear the sharp tones of someone unpleased to deal with me.  So why should I try? 

It's that khromat part of me trying to have that link among minds, even if the human part of me knows I can't do that.  Trapped in the bone skull prison, I still try to reach out.  It's just part of my nature, that need to feel an understanding between us.

On the other side of this is the wolf, who would rather box away any feelings left, who appears determined to out-stubborn the coyote in regards to petty little things that have no meaning in the big picture.  I've known him a good deal longer than I've known the coyote -- we lived together briefly while I was out in San Jose rebuilding my life after Ogre.  He's dealt with me at my worst, before I got the needed diagnosis and help for my ADHD.  I've trusted him with my life.  That doesn't mean he's any less at fault for the relationship failure.  Relationships are a two-way street, and that includes the death of one.  And while I can sympathize about his similar communication issues I have with the coyote, that doesn't excuse his responsibility in this debacle.  Many ideas were discussed in the beginning of this house-relationship, and while logistics have always been difficult, he managed to avoid doing most of those projects...  during that brief highpoint when all four people had stable, reliable, good-paying jobs, nothing was done.  Financial responsibilities aside, most of the money we earned went into fun stuff rather than improving the house.  Perhaps it was another failed communication, but the coyote believed that the wolf was planning to use his carpentry and other skills actively on the house and when it didn't happen, she stewed.  I'm sure she's not happy at all to see that he's been busy applying these skills upstairs now... too little, too late.

Then there's my coug'r.  My stoic, reliable, put-upon cougar.  He's the string that connects all the people in this house... He's known the coyote longer than anyone and helped the wolf get together with her.  He's known the wolf for over a decade, and twice that for me.  He's subtle in his moods at times, disciplined to keep an even keel in rough waters.  As much as he feels he's emotionally unstable, he is a rock compared to the rest of us.... partially because he's not open about expressing nagging doubts or frustration.  If he's at his breaking point, he just walks away.  I have no fear that he will walk away from me, but the growing tensions in the house may cause him to hide away in his privacy.  He's suffered financially from his previous wife, suffered handling the house's affairs, and feels that he's getting nothing out of it.  I don't want him to suffer, but I'm in no position to do more than emotional support.

And thus my thoughts turn back to myself, trapped in a limbo of uncertainty -- Unemployed, not in school, can't even plan for school until my foot is completely healed, my own financial delimnas of car, school, and health.  I'm only glad that my medications keep me focused enough to reduce my grey and black moods, or I certainly would be in one right now.  I don't like those mood-pits, difficult to break the downward spiral early, painful to let  run its course.  And the last thing this house needs is an outburst of emotional chaos, which I would surely be under all this pressure.  Still, I chafe at my enforced idleness, wanting to jump up and get my portion of the house dealt with and relieve some of the tensions building  *Sigh*

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