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Some people have journals to pour out their feelings, and this is good. Some people have commented on these journal entries with platitudes, advice, and gut reactions regardless of the basic fact that they only have the journalist's point of view of events to determine what happened.
And so, I provide here a little rumor control. My side, for what it's worth.
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I had a friend, someone I trusted, someone I cared a great deal about for reasons that didn't always make sense, do something stupid. The 'crime' is not that
While we had playfully talked about such things before, it was always 'consentual', it never went as far as this conversation did, and it was private conversations with him and me, not with anyone outside the relationship. I've had real demons invade my life early enough that I have no illusions of relenquishing control of my body or mind to *anyone*. I have survived molestation, rape, mental and physcial abuse by others; I would never, even in play, consider such to be a 'fantasy' of mine. Consent is the difference: You _can_ consent to relenquish consent -- BDSM play often revolves around the release of self-will for a specified time or gig, but that release is voluntary with both parties aware of the rules. The 'dark fantasy'
As much as I loved
I have always been polyamorous, but I had also made it clear (or so I thought) that there was someone in my life that 'had priority'. That someone has known me longer than our community has been around, longer than the Internet has existed publicly, let alone as long as I've known
I don't think I'll ever understand why I appear so unique. I want people to be happy, I want to share my hard-won sense of self and joy to others so that they can learn to love themselves. I thought that's a simple concept. In exchange, I get obsessions and adorations that are undeserved and only hurt the one doing them. My sweet scared
My ex-husband Ogre tried to control me, and when that failed he hurt me physcially, and when that failed he threatened suicide. He quite likely has bipolar disorder and definitely has uncontrollable rages. In those aspects,
In this unfortunate incident, I was unable to do the later. My distance and diverging paths of our lives prevented me from being able to help him, though I tried to get him to seek love closer to home, to find someone who could be there as I could not. This visit was to be the last time we both had time together alone, and we both knew it.... our paths have diverged too much, as it often does in life. So, getting this warning and log a mere two weeks before I was to come out to his place was the hardest blow I've ever had. I meant it when I said all trust I had for him is now gone. The person I knew fought demons inside him, and this time the demons won.
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Other rumor control notes, minor compared to the above, include:
Drugs: I don't care about if someone uses them, as long as it's responsible use. Anything can be used as an escape (drugs, alcohol, netsurfing, etc.) and that's where the problem lies. I personally don't use drugs or alcohol to escape, because I know there is no escape -- only a temporary distraction. My ADHD-addled brain has enough distractions, I don't need outside help. It confused me that
Fighting over women: I have no idea where this came from, the concept that there were two guys fighting over me.
"If Only" :
When a friend tells you she got engaged, the response should not be "Damn! I had thought about giving you a ring a year ago." Wrong answer, wrong intent. Nobody in my social group *could* have met me before Ken did (actually not true, but the ones who did have no interest in me) , and I had always wanted to be with Ken for the rest of my life, so
I'm not a prize, I'm not 'first ring, first served'. My first marraige had been for "practical reasons" that were all the wrong reasons and I knew it at the time: I was not going to make the same mistake twice. I knew Ken had wanted to marry me the minute his own divorce was finalised -- *I* was the one who told him "wait a bit, enjoy being single and ask me a little later". So the ring is only a legal and public symbol of Ken's intent to stay with me. No amount of 'if onlys' are going to change that, or change my mind.
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Okay, enough rambling for a first journal entry. I'll try to keep them shorter in the future.