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Journals and Rumor Control - Micole Khemarrica
05:13 pm October 15th, 2001
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Journals and Rumor Control
Okay, understand that journals have never been my thing.. my life's always too schizophrenic for me to try nailing anything down solidly with words. Heck, even in High School, when a journal of X pages was required for a grade, I got away with writing stories and poetry instead. Something about the teachers desiring an interest in writing over any actual written self-examination. But I have, over the last few decades, poured out thousands of words in futile attempts to describe the universe in my head and how I've managed to stay sane in spite of my life, so perhaps it's time to actually create a journal, if only to organize some of these thoughts.

====================

Some people have journals to pour out their feelings, and this is good. Some people have commented on these journal entries with platitudes, advice, and gut reactions regardless of the basic fact that they only have the journalist's point of view of events to determine what happened.

And so, I provide here a little rumor control. My side, for what it's worth.

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I had a friend, someone I trusted, someone I cared a great deal about for reasons that didn't always make sense, do something stupid. The 'crime' is not that lionmage had a 'dark fantasy' about me. I can't stop anyone from thinking, nor do I want to. I certainly can't stop the men of my social community from having fantasies about me, or any other girl in my community for that matter. The 'crime' is that his fantasy was moving out of the realm of imagination and into concrete reality, the details described logistics on physically and psychologically raping me through the use of drugs.

While we had playfully talked about such things before, it was always 'consentual', it never went as far as this conversation did, and it was private conversations with him and me, not with anyone outside the relationship. I've had real demons invade my life early enough that I have no illusions of relenquishing control of my body or mind to *anyone*. I have survived molestation, rape, mental and physcial abuse by others; I would never, even in play, consider such to be a 'fantasy' of mine. Consent is the difference: You _can_ consent to relenquish consent -- BDSM play often revolves around the release of self-will for a specified time or gig, but that release is voluntary with both parties aware of the rules. The 'dark fantasy' lionmage alludes to was purely non-consentual, told to/with a third party involved, used real names and used real events/information that killed the fantasy and make it a perverted plan.

As much as I loved lionmage, as much as I tried to pull him back from the abyss, his darkness has always cast an unsettling shadow over our relationship. It shaped a lot of how we interracted, whether he could see that consciously or not. And as much as I shared my love and compassion, how much I poured out understanding and empathy, I could never be everything he wanted me to be.

I have always been polyamorous, but I had also made it clear (or so I thought) that there was someone in my life that 'had priority'. That someone has known me longer than our community has been around, longer than the Internet has existed publicly, let alone as long as I've known lionmage. My coug'r and I have built up a strong friendship and love for 2 decades, in spite being across a continent from each other for most of that time. I have joked that we're among the first 'wired' couples, since we spent most of our earliest conversations through BBSes back in the early 80's. My other playmates (friends who I get physical with) understood this relationship, and appeared to be happy just to have the opportunity to be close with me on my terms, unlike the 'fanboys' who seemed determined to win me over somehow.

I don't think I'll ever understand why I appear so unique. I want people to be happy, I want to share my hard-won sense of self and joy to others so that they can learn to love themselves. I thought that's a simple concept. In exchange, I get obsessions and adorations that are undeserved and only hurt the one doing them. My sweet scared lionmage was like that, but I kept hoping he was different...

My ex-husband Ogre tried to control me, and when that failed he hurt me physcially, and when that failed he threatened suicide. He quite likely has bipolar disorder and definitely has uncontrollable rages. In those aspects, lionmage *is* a lot like my ex. Though lionmage never hurt me physically, it wasn't a matter of if but when. It is rare for someone to want to hurt a loved one, but it still happens -- it's not intent, but circumstances that cause it. In a rage, in fear, under the influence of chemicals both natural and synthetic, stressed out over something unrelated and lashing out: it doesn't matter, because the minute you actually show violence of any kind, it's too late. Ogre didn't punch me, therefore he was upset that friends compared him to OJ... it didn't matter that the arguments that ended up with me pinned to the bed or the wall, fighting for breath and having bruises on my arms for weeks from him squeezing me qualifies as spousal abuse. It doesn't matter than lionmage had similar problems with his own ex-wife, or that both of them had problems controlling their anger. It's violence, pure and simple. But I wasn't attracted to Ogre or lionmage because of their darkness: I was attracted to the good things in their light. Both are extremely intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, computergeeks that never had the macho-bullshit of the average non-nerd male. As in all things, there is good and bad, and I have always strived to praise the good while ignoring or reducing the bad to a mangeable state.

In this unfortunate incident, I was unable to do the later. My distance and diverging paths of our lives prevented me from being able to help him, though I tried to get him to seek love closer to home, to find someone who could be there as I could not. This visit was to be the last time we both had time together alone, and we both knew it.... our paths have diverged too much, as it often does in life. So, getting this warning and log a mere two weeks before I was to come out to his place was the hardest blow I've ever had. I meant it when I said all trust I had for him is now gone. The person I knew fought demons inside him, and this time the demons won.

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Other rumor control notes, minor compared to the above, include:

Drugs: I don't care about if someone uses them, as long as it's responsible use. Anything can be used as an escape (drugs, alcohol, netsurfing, etc.) and that's where the problem lies. I personally don't use drugs or alcohol to escape, because I know there is no escape -- only a temporary distraction. My ADHD-addled brain has enough distractions, I don't need outside help. It confused me that lionmage mentioned a 'concern' of my 'increasing use of alcohol to escape stress' since I don't drink in any quantity to justify such a statement. I may say "man, I need a drink" as a joke, but the fact is that the last time I had a drink was a small portion of a pint with friends at a pub, not alone and suffering the desire to kill some mental pain. It's an unusual year if I've had 10 ounces of alcohol; my usual yearly intake can be measured in a shotglass. Likewise with drugs; I get others high being near me, I have no real use or desire to be in an altered state than the one I'm naturally in.

Fighting over women: I have no idea where this came from, the concept that there were two guys fighting over me. lionmage's comment about 'Ken being in control' and 'it wasn't always this way' seem short-sighted, which saddens me. There was never a 'fight', there was never two guys vying for my attention in any meaningful way. I am my own woman, I am not owned by anyone. I visit friends and hang out with playmates I want to. Ken does not control me, never has, never *wants* to. What *has* changed is that he's more open to expressing his relationship with me, and all the responsibilities of caring for someone that it implies. He asked me to marry him, and I accepted, and when we get married it will be as two individuals sharing a life, not Man and Wife. Ken *is* posessive of me, but it's a positive posessive, the one that can keep a relationship alive for decades. Ken *is* upset about this whole situation, because the last thing he wants is for me to get hurt again by someone who isn't in contol of himself. Beyond that, I'm the one that's making the decisions, as painful as some of them have been.

"If Only" : lionmage is not the first person who has told me that they would wish a permanent relationship with me: it's not bragging, it's the unfortunate truth. I've had maybe 50 proposals over the years, usually starting with "If you ever leave X...." I don't know how many times I've had to say "That's the wrong way to get someone's attention" but here it is again: Bemoaning a 'might've been' is non-productive at best, and destructive at worst. Nobody wants to hear "If only I met you before your husband/wife" because by the nature of time you *can't* have, so crying over it is pointless.

When a friend tells you she got engaged, the response should not be "Damn! I had thought about giving you a ring a year ago." Wrong answer, wrong intent. Nobody in my social group *could* have met me before Ken did (actually not true, but the ones who did have no interest in me) , and I had always wanted to be with Ken for the rest of my life, so lionmage would not have wanted to see what would've happened if he *had* offered me a ring before Ken did. I'm sure there were other friends who may have *thought* "Well, darn, I missed my chance with her" but they never SAID it to me, because that's just not right.

I'm not a prize, I'm not 'first ring, first served'. My first marraige had been for "practical reasons" that were all the wrong reasons and I knew it at the time: I was not going to make the same mistake twice. I knew Ken had wanted to marry me the minute his own divorce was finalised -- *I* was the one who told him "wait a bit, enjoy being single and ask me a little later". So the ring is only a legal and public symbol of Ken's intent to stay with me. No amount of 'if onlys' are going to change that, or change my mind.

--------------------------------------------

Okay, enough rambling for a first journal entry. I'll try to keep them shorter in the future.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Fionna Apple - Criminal Remix
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Comments
Thread started by A prayer to Saint Pelagius
somebunny From: somebunny Date: October 15th, 2001 03:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
You are a beautiful, upbeat, and cheerful person a majority of the time.. I think that what makes you so atractive to people. The way the world seems to be these days that is a rather rare combination, expecially in someone that's willing to share her happiness and all with most everyone she cares for. It's rather unfortunate that this garbage has gone down and I worry, but at the same time I knew that it would only really be a matter of time. :/ I believe you know my opinions, they are almost identical to my boyfriends...

Oh and by the way.. since I never said it before..

Congradulations on your engagement :)

~Callie
(Reply) (Thread)
lionmage From: lionmage Date: October 17th, 2001 11:29 am (UTC) (Link)

At the risk of adding fuel to a fire...

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "it would only be a matter of time," but I'm curious about that. I had certainly hoped to avoid ending things on a sour note with the ermine, but sometimes things are beyond our ability to control.
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Comment by Robert Poole
lionmage From: lionmage Date: October 17th, 2001 12:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

What can you say?
I wasn't sure that I should bother posting something here, but seeing as how we've both turned LiveJournal into a sort of battleground for venting our perspectives on this turn of events... Kincaid indicated that you felt compelled to create a LiveJournal because you wanted to do some spin control of your own. I hope that's not the only reason.

Anyway, I'm not going to use this opportunity to harangue you or harass you. I didn't even feel compelled to read your journal until I happened upon one of Kincaid's journal entries, and clicked the link to yours...

Having read what you said, I don't disagree with most of what you wrote. Surprise!

Let me work backwards a bit. First off, you have been drinking more lately, even by your own admission, than you normally do. I've had phone conversations with you over the last year where you confided that you'd started taking small drinks in the evening to unwind from the stress that Pearson was putting you through. My only concern, then as now, is that you were using alcohol as a crutch to take the edge off. Remember, I have alcoholic family members, so I'm liable to be a little over-reactive in that regard. But it's your life, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Still... maybe now that the job is over, you won't be tippling so much. I just worry, even now, as stupid as that might be.

As for darkness... yes, I have a great inner darkness. I've been battling with it since I can remember. He even has an entire character devoted to him, a persona I can put on to vent a bit. You've met Gerard, so you know. But I'm not the only one with an inner darkness. Yours has a name too, and I think we both know she's come out on more than a few occasions.

For crying out loud, she showed her face at the Further Confusion room party I ran, and you don't even have any clear memory of those events.

Unfortunately, I don't have the excuse of "I don't remember what I did." I do remember, and I now have to live with the memory of my misdeeds, the memory of getting caught, and the memory of the consequences.

Somewhere in all this discussion, the fact that my "private" discussion/roleplay with another person was snooped by someone in the wizcore and made available to you for your viewing displeasure, has never been addressed. I'm aware that there's no true privacy on the MUCK, but I'm also aware that most people have a reasonable expectation that the wizzes will stay out of their private business unless law enforcement gets involved, or unless there's a complaint lodged.

But let's ignore that topic, since it's a moot point now.

I'm stung that you would claim now that it was only a matter of time before I physically hurt you. Then again, you're also clinging to the assertion that I was actually planning on going through with this business. While my little fantasy may have involved everything up to and including discussing "how to," the fact that you actually think I'd do you real harm means that you never knew me as well as you think you did.

The one time I even bruised you, you ordered me to, remember? And I freaked out afterward, and you calmed me down. If leaving a mark during rough play bothers me, what makes you think I'd do other physical harm?

Yeah, I know, I had a history with my ex-wife. She also was the one who started the physical violence. Once that line is crossed in a relationship, it's hard to un-cross it. She beat me good on a few occasions. Cripes, she weighs twice as much as I do, or at least she did at one time.

Still... yes, I made a huge mistake sharing my dark fantasies, logistics and all, with someone other than you. For that, I've lost your friendship as well as the friendship of other people in our spheres, and I've lost your trust. The consequences are just, if painful. I know I'll probably never earn your trust back.
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Comment by Robert Poole
lionmage From: lionmage Date: October 17th, 2001 12:33 pm (UTC) (Link)

continuation
And for the record, although I've been tortured by inner demons, and continue to be to this day, they don't control me.

I think that, in some weird sense, getting caught may have been a good thing, forcing me to do a reality check. More importantly, I think forcing a closure to our relationship was probably a good thing in the long run. Having one last good time together would have left things still in an "open" state. I just don't like the way this all went down.

You commented to me a while ago that you felt uncomfortable playing the character you created to personify your dark side, your inner demon. I wonder if that's an indication that you are backing off from indulging that side of yourself. If so, good for you. You're a lot more successful than I am at squelching that side of things.

Also, although my disappointment was palpable when you told me of your engagement to Ken, you'll note that I did not launch into a discussion of "what ifs" or "if only." Maybe you could read it in my tone of voice on the phone. But I refrained from saying it out loud because I knew how pointless and hurtful such things can be. If I indulged any flights of fancy regarding a more permanent relationship with you, I always knew at the back of my mind that "what if" doesn't work, because as you once said, if things truly had been different, we probably never would have even met.

I don't ever recall telling you, "Darn! I was thinking about giving you a ring a year ago." Sheesh. That sounds pretty pathetic, even to my ears.

As for other instances of "if only" and so on, there were some fanciful discussions, with varying degrees of seriousness, some time ago... discussions of getting all the people in your "inner circle" into one geographic locality and building a real imonlar. You discussed these things openly, though you might not choose to remember or discuss it now. If I ever held out any hope of being "with" you, that was it. Once it became clear that my personality did not mesh with those of your other close friends and your principal love interest, my hope died along with the idea of living under the same roof as them.

I'm going to cut this off now. I had planned on not writing any further about this incident in my own journal or elsewhere, but owing to a certain recent anonymous posting in my own journal space, I thought it appropriate to give a little tit-for-tat. Except I'm not hiding behind an anonymizier.
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Comment by Kagur
kagur From: kagur Date: October 27th, 2001 07:26 am (UTC) (Link)

Congratulations!
Congratulations on your engagement:) I have always understood you had significant others in your life already. As far as the perception of being unique, you are highly intelligent and articulate, very attractive, very involved and bring a tremendous amount of positive energy to the conventions...you are like a beacon of energy that ignites and inspires others. Sometimes, that ignition is positive...and sometimes not.
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Micole Khemarrica
User: khromat
Name: Micole Khemarrica
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