Micole Khemarrica (khromat) wrote,
Micole Khemarrica
khromat

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Girlfriends

It's a mellow midnight, I've been schmoozing with friends online, and my mind wanders to the subject of girlfriends.

I'm bisexual and polyamorous. Being bi doesn't mean I can't decide whether I'm gay or het: it doesn't mean I'm a fence-sitter or a nympho or anything like that. Being bi simply means that I find both men and women attractive, each in their own special ways. I suppose I'm a true "Kinsey 3", someone who doesn't have a bias towards one or the other gender, eventhough in practice my playmates have been predominantly male. This is mostly because the social circle I've live in has always had a gender imbalance and sexual orientations that doesn't help a girl seeking another girl. Not that I have serious problems with the broad sexual and gender varieties that exist in furry fandom -- far from it, I'm more at home here than than other places I can think of because of that tolerance and freedom. But it does lead to the minor frustration when I'm in a 'girl mood' and don't have a girlfriend.

I have a couple of friends in Canada that are also bi, and we've teased each other mildly over the years, playfully hinting at the prospect of some sexual fun. Alas, time hasn't been on my side for that, and I don't want to press my affections on anyone to the point of being a fanboy (fangirl?) and annoying them. There are other girls in my social circle, artists and others, that I've found extremely attractive to the point it aches, and yet I'm too shy to actually let them know. Ah, see! Even girls can't tell girls how they feel.

The biggest problem does seem to revolve around location -- the bane and blessing of the Internet allows me to chat with people I can usually only see at conventions a few times a year. So while I chat with cool folks like Jag and Amara, the most I get to do at cons is hug them hello before our schedules whisk us off to somewhere else. And while I'm polyamorous, I won't impose anything on people who are involved with another (unless both are aware and/or ameniable to the prospect), and I know Jag has someone. The closest femfur I've gotten together with lives in DC, too far away for casual get togethers... everyone else I know well enough to be attracted to live a good deal farther away. My oldest best fem-friend is on the other coast. So my only recourse is to fantasize with my ladyfriends online (many of whome are male in the real world). Hooray for the internet.

I suppose if I was truely desparate, I could go troll a bar, but that's not my style. I want a friend first, lover second. The sexual aspect of a relationship is secondary to the emotional aspect for me, even if I desparately wish to curl up with a soft-skinned girl on occassion.

*wistful sigh* I guess I know what I'll be dreaming of tonight...
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